is your mom at the bar?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
