Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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