I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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