Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
