tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
