Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
