Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The Olympian is in my bed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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