I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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