So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
