i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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