every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my shit smells like andre
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
