right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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