You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she pinky promised me she was 18
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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