if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
