Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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