It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
