I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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