You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
