i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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