You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
