ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I supernannyed him into submission
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
