I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
