im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
