I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
