I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dicks are not precious.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
