My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
