Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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