Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
