i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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