i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
