I'm really into asian looking animals
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
