i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
