i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
