Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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