I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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