the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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