Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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