I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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