i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
