I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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