I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
