Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
