My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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