Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
