You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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