By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
