last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
