does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
