i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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