the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
