Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
