he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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