your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
