You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
