the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
