my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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