How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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